There is Hope

I am walking on the Golden Gate bridge
writing a eulogy
For Fear. So far,
during our short cohabitation
around the globe, He has
held me, soothed me, wrapped me,
tucked me in tight next to his
lifelong friend,

Anxiety. There is lots I need to say
to Fear
and here, amongst the crisis
counselling hotlines and the dumb
well-meaning smiles of people who
are really, truly happy
it is time for my Golden Gate address

Hey, Fear! Look at me,
I’m right where you want me. He knows
I know –
people come from miles around
to pay their respects, face-first

and no one has stopped me, not even
when I
pitched forward, tilted
as far as I could safely go
felt my heart thump
once, twice, three times
– a warning, took
my glasses off and bent

over, over

until all I saw was water and
blurred copper, metal and hair

and a velvet-smooth easiness that in
those seconds was
just a fingertip away

A siren call plucking at my inner ear, leg over, leg over

It has taken me twenty four years
to get here. And Fear? FUCK FEAR.

And Fear – he’s like the lover
I had once: damn persistent, but
in time (with scars), I’ll shake him off

– end of address. I stopped here,
mid-bridge and yelled into
a faceful of wind as Fear fled and
my lungs burned like the
sun, smearing the Pacific with gold.

Now, off the bridge, flushed and
euphoric and knowing that I will

Never, Ever walk this way on foot again (in case
just one time
temptation wins) I am

choked up, swallowing back some
momentous emotion
trickling cold from tears to throat.
Slipping from the kerb
into the crossroad, I know

there is a small part
of me, left knotted around
those rust-red cables. I have paid my dues to Fear, and won.

I leave that part behind.

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About fiercemissc

Twenty-something Geordie girl living and working in Hong Kong. Young, free and single and making the most of it.
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