I am in possession of an obsessive mind

I have numbered my compulsive behaviours, tallied them to see

where I fit on the spectrum

One I count steps and stairs. This is not normal behaviour, I know

there are 36 steps from the bottom of Causeway Bay MTR to my exit but I still count them every

every day and it’s worse when I’m drunk or on the way home

then I count how many steps will take me to my front gate, in groups of

cantonese tens. Yat yee sam say mm lo tut baht gau sup and repeat

yat yee sam say mm lo tut baht gau sup. Never more than ten I stop at ten

and it is not just the counting. How about

two the obsessive memorisation. there are over 700 children in my school and if you tested me I’d put money on knowing

500+ names. Added to that the students of my school before, primary 3 and primary 4 and we’re talking

autistic levels of name capabilities. and test me, go on test me (three)

on the 197 countries of the world because I can name them alphabetically. It fascinates me

this ability to recall information, to use

alphabeticised geography to sustain me through life’s unpleasantness

at the dentist: I mentally regurgitate

countries to get me through the drilling

Serbia, Sierra Leone, Sao Tome and Principe, Senegal (getting a filling) Swaziland, Somalia, Saudi Arabia – it’s finished. Or when I’m doing reps

at the gym I recite from the end

Zimbabwe. Yemen. No Xs, unfortunately, 

I am fantastically

capable of memorising my poetry each line has to be

delivered right and perfectly

or start again, again never has perfectionism felt so heavy

armchair psychology would say to be right is to be in control, to name things is to own them

all I know is I’m awake and I can’t stop my brain from counting

counting counting

About fiercemissc

Twenty-something Geordie girl living and working in Hong Kong. Young, free and single and making the most of it.
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